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"Bringing My Catatonic Ex GF on Our Date to Balthazar" by Vivi Hayes

I just knew you wouldn’t have the self-control to not neg me about my backpack. I FUCKING HATE YOU ART HOES. I hate you. Kidding! Kidding... God. Nah. I’m used to this, I'm always going against the grain. That's my whole thing kinda. It’s actually the reason you’re attracted to me, you just aren’t aware of that yet. I guess you don’t know this, but it’s in vogue for guys to wear backpacks now. I swear, ever since Abel wore one. No, not Cain and Abel Abel. That was crazy though. Dude straight up got merked by his brother. There’s some heavy shit in that book for sure. Abel, like, The Weeknd Abel. Musician. That’s his real name. Shouldn’t you know this stuff? The backpack’s for her bucket. It’s a drool bucket. She drools, you know. That’s how this whole thing started. I used to say stupid girls are the hottest girls, jokingly. Maybe half-jokingly. Whenever I’d say it, she’d let her eyes glaze over and procure a strand of drool from her mouth. Trying to look all stupid-like. Not even gonna lie, it was a turn-on until she got stuck like this. Before this, it was just a good bit. A great one. Bit commitment should always be saluted. That’s the problem with the dating pool now. Lack of commitment. It’s rooted in fear. Look up avoidant attachment. I mean, not now. No phones at the table. 

I won’t lie, it’s been hard to date in my situation, having to drag her along with me. The worst part is getting everywhere extra early to strap her upright to her chair. It’d be awkward to make you bear witness, on the first date at least. I have faith the right broad will understand, even sympathize. I’ve brought her on every first date. Prompt bandaid-ripping. It’s been a great litmus test. I only date weird girls. You can’t take offense at that, weird girls are more open-minded. I’m complimenting you. Are you saying you don’t want to be weird? You have a septum piercing. Don’t be obtuse, you got that to look weirder, to attract guys like me. You ever see those tweets that go “pussy from a girl with a septum piercing goes crazy”? Observable phenomenon. No one has ever gotten a septum piercing to look prettier.

I could have it much worse. I’m from Minnesota. Everyone there’s got it pretty damn bad. My cousin died in a grain silo and I swear to God, that’s just another Monday for the Minnesotans. Allow me to put this in perspective; in 2010 there were fifty-something grain entrapment incidents. We should all be more concerned about the grain silos. 2010 wasn’t that long ago. Kanye put out My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy in 2010. Crazy. There are many different ways to die in a grain silo. More than you could ever possibly imagine. There’s blunt force trauma. It only takes 4-5 seconds to become entrapped. It’s a quick and brutal force. You might not guess it, but hypothermia. You don’t want a humid climate in the silo. Humidity causes mold. They keep some of ‘em pretty cold. And then there’s combustion. They can go up in seconds you know! I’m not fucking joking. The most obvious way to die is suffocation. Resisting the urge to inhale until your body inevitably betrays you, and you’ve got grain all up in your lungs. Humiliating. That’s what got my cousin. Even if you survive, the rescue can be brutal. Spinal injuries. Paralysis. My other cousin is all messed up now too. He worked the same job, so he watched the extraction of my cousin’s body, the dead cousin that is. I’m sure the body looked all splotchy and mangled. After that, he had to quit the bins, and now he maxes out my Aunt’s credit card on furry art commissions. The whole family acts oblivious to it because he’s grieving and whatnot. Even worse than that, look at my ex. Her mouth is moist and slimy in perpetuity. No, I’m not being crass. I didn't mean it like that. Uh. YOU’RE being crass in suggesting I meant it like that. When I got my braces off, my teeth felt wet and slimy for weeks. Imagine a lifetime of that. Personally? I’d rather die in a grain silo. 

Oh, her recurrent gurgling is grossing you out? That’s incredibly insensitive, obviously she can't help it. You shouldn’t point out anything someone couldn't fix in five seconds. For example, I could point out the smudged lipstick on your teeth that makes you look like you have gum disease. You could fix that in five seconds. I could also say you’re looking straight outta Scary Stories to Tell in The Dark tonight, and NOT in the hot way. That would be rude. See the difference? Empathy is important. You need to hone that skill. There are tons of psychopaths in the dating pool— it’s actually at a record high. You don’t want to come across as callous right now; it’s not a good look. Put yourself in her shoes. Rather, imagine her drool bucket where your plate is. Anyways, remind me what you do again. Some shit like data entry, data analysis, right? Most of the girls back home don’t make it further than high school. You’re lucky to have a job like that. You’re a very lucky girl. 


Vivi Hayes is an eclectic and dangerous personality who we've all decided is easier to appease than to try to resist. She’s had work featured in Expat, No More Prostitutes, and DON’T SUBMIT! 

Vivi Hayes is @Vsquaredtwo and @Vivihayes

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